How's this for misogynistic?

A guy I know had a baby recently. That has got to be one of the more intense things that can ever happen to you. It’s mind blowing. You have produced a human being, a tiny, screaming version of yourself that is completely dependent on you for everything. I’m having trouble conveying my feelings on this point. I shudder as I type.

I think I want kids in theory. But it’s a vague, ambiguous desire that I would only wish on a far future version of myself. Let that poor old bastard deal with that. I’m busy drinking and getting into adventures with my idiot buddies. The fact that people who are much younger/dumber/financially instable than me are having kids is ludicrous.

The only thing crazier than fathering a child has got to be becoming a mother. YOU HAVE A PERSON GROWING INSIDE OF YOU! AAHHHH! That’s some science fiction shit right there. I know… I know… it’s natural and beautiful and all that, but good grief man. That’s nuts. Consider it objectively for a second. That’s a person. It’s inside of you. He/she is going to escape and then drink milk out of you like you were a soda fountain. AAAHHHH!!!

I guess all of life’s processes are pretty crazy when you take a step back and break them down. I mean, the fact that you can take a peanut butter sandwich and use it for fuel to run a mile is pretty darn wacky too. But something about pregnancy just strikes me as a little surreal. It just seems like it should be harder to make a sentient creature. Two people, a couple jagerbombs, and a momentary lapse in judgment should not be enough to spawn something that could grow up to write a novel, play an instrument, or for that matter even just get stoned and play super smash brothers.

When it comes down to it I know objectively that birth is just a natural part of life. Hell, I was even a baby once. Somehow though, I just can’t quite wrap my mind around the whole thing. Oh well, that what I like to call a problem for “Future Michael”.