AAANNNNDDDD WEEE'RRREE BAAACKKKK!! Apparently I’m doing requests now. I’m the prose equivalent of a cover band. Dig that. Anyway, if any of you readers have any ideas for entries. Just shout ‘em out and I’ll freestyle on that mother! WHOOO! THIS ONE GOES OUT TO THE SOCIAL CHAIR!!!!
(note: CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE-CONTROL FOR AWESOME!!!)
When it comes to birthdays, there are two types of people in this world. First, you have those that feel the need to advertise the fact that they were born exactly X number of years ago. We’ll call this type “Attention Desperates” or “Girls.” They will, ever so casually, drop the fact that their birthday is next Tuesday into every conversation that they have for a week preceding it. “You’re voting for Obama? That’s so funny because my birthday is next Tuesday. Weird!” We can only assume that this is because they are empty inside and feel the need to have other people shower attention on them so that can feel worthwhile.
On the other hand, you have people who will in no way hint that they are having a birthday. Instead, they choose to rely on “considerate” people who “care about them,” to remember a date that is really only important to 1/365.25 % of people in the world. We’ll refer to these assholes as “Stealth Agers.” This type of birthday celebrator is secretly hoping that no one will remember their birthday. That’s a best case scenario for a Stealth Ager because this tactic is essentially a passive aggressive way to inflict guilt on the people in their lives. We can only assume that this is because they are empty inside and feel the need to have other people shower attention on them so that can feel worthwhile.
This is what is known in the biz as “the fallacy of the excluded middle” or a “false dichotomy.” I’m like Mr. Wizard. You don’t even realize you’re learning. I should be on Nickelodeon.
And while were on topic. I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about gifts. Gifts are silly. There are only two things in this world that I want that can be given gratuitously, money and sexual favors. (ok, and consumer electronics) Sure, I want love and respect and world peace, but you can’t give me those things for Christmas. Anything else you give me I would honestly rather have the cash value. There, I said it. I’m crass.
