Swiffer Gets The Axe Body Spray

Consumer technology has been bothering me lately. Almost inevitably it is just packaging with a fancy name for the same product you bought last week. For example, every commercial for detergent has some newly discovered ingredient (brightenite or staindisgrador). These are of course, nothing but fancy words for… wait for it… soap. In the same vein; the people at Swiffer must be stopped. They make a sponge on a stick. Seriously, look closely. It’s a sponge on a stick. And they have multiple versions of this product: Swiffer for dust, Swiffer for hardwoods, Swiffer for that area between your balls and asshole. No one can possibly think that they need all of these products. They are the home economics equivalent of a spoiler on a Ford Taurus, something that you buy because somebody told you it was cool.

The reason I got on this topic originally was razors. Razors are the most visible and notorious promoters of incrementally more useless and extravagant versions of their products. I have often sat in front of the television and mocked Gillette and Remington for their unending attempts to convince America that razors and shaving cream are created in giant laboratories by attractive spacemen. Admittedly, I am not a scientist. I am however, confident that shaving cream is not made by slamming red plasma into blue antimatter in a supercollider. That’s stupid. It’s soap. Soap for your face.

On the other hand, I have to admit that the Fusion is a fantastic product. It vibrates, it has 5 separate blades, it’s neon orange and it’s battery powered… and I… don’t… care. It fuckin’ rocks. You could shave a yak smooth with that thing and the animal wouldn’t notice. I’m sold. Stupid advertising be damned. This is a solid product that I can get behind.

Now, dear reader, before you think I’ve gone soft. I’d like to take a minute to discuss Axe body spray. This advertising campaign is a vivid demonstration of the gullibility of the American populace. This implication of their ads is that if you spray yourself down with a large bottle of cheap cologne, herds of beautiful women will want to sleep with you. It has actually been so successful that other companies are trying to sell the exact same product with the exact same ad. People are spending five dollars on a four liter bottle of smell goods. This is of course violently stupid. However, masses of foolish young men are subsidizing numerous commercials with extremely attractive women. I get to enjoy these commercials. So I guess I can’t really complain. On the other hand, unless Swiffer starts using scantily clad anorexics to sell its stupid sponges, I will continue to rail against them.