Peter Jackson v. Tchaikovsky

My mom was in town this weekend. We saw the ballet. Yep, I spent my Saturday night at the ballet with my mother. I grew up with ballet. My mom was a dancer and she has taught as long as I’ve been alive. (yes, I took lessons) On the other hand, it’s not something I’ve thought a lot about lately. Seeing one with her inspired some conclusions. Here goes…

Honestly, I can say that ballet isn’t bad. I can appreciate the aesthetic qualities of the production and the athleticism of its participants. The problem is they were designed to entertain people who didn’t have modern attention spans. Swan Lake is like four hours long. This is bad news for a guy that had trouble not drifting off during the Lord of the Rings. An army of orcs and evil wizards battling the forces of light on an IMAX screen can’t keep my attention for four hours. I’m sorry but twenty dangerously thin ballerinas waving their arms in a line isn’t going to get it done. See, the problem is that Tchaikovsky wasn’t composing for people who have the gold package on their cable subscription. He penned those ballets for Russian aristocrats whose other entertainment options included bear baiting, the harpsichord, and syphilis. Given those alternatives I think I would have been a huge proponent of ballet had I been present. Honestly though, beautiful music or not, ballet need some updating. Give us the cliff notes version.

My second point is going to come off as pretty homophobic. (which I don’t think I am, but whatever) I know that not all male dancers are gay. I hear that Baryshnikov pulled crazy ass. On the other hand, there is no denying the influence of homosexuals in ballet. The prince in the Nashville production was chasing swans around with a crossbow that Freddy Mercury would have been embarrassed to carry. Basically it was a tiny glitter-encrusted thing that appeared to use rhinestones as ammunition. They took the most masculine symbol in the show and completely neutered it. If ballet wants to have a broader appeal they should allow a little testosterone to influence things. Instead of calling people homophobic for being uncomfortable with it they should admit that it’s kind of gay. Now, I am not calling for the Bolshoi Theatre to put on a production of NASCAR, the ballet. I’m just saying let’s be honest with ourselves. There are plenty of straight dancers and plenty of straight guys who enjoy going to the ballet. But there are also a disproportionate number of homosexual participants… just like male ice-skating and the WNBA.

Finally, ballerinas are hot. Call me Oedipus Rex because there is something about a girl who dances that I find really attractive. I don’t know if it’s the outfits or the eating disorders but wow.