Fantasy Football and Sex

I thought I would try an entry about gender stereotypes. It’s an area that’s over-mined for comedic fodder. But hey, “any chance to let the inner misogynist shine through.” That’s what I always say. Here goes….

Men simply aren’t equipped to play defense. Our whole lives are structured around exactly the opposite. Men’s approach to everything is skewed by eons of Darwinian striving. Our ancestors have doomed us to a lifetime of trying to shoehorn prehistoric instincts into a modern world where they are increasingly inappropriate. Our hormones and our baser natures transmogrify everything into competitive, ego-driven combat. In the NFL of sexual politics, men are the Colts. We spread the field and try to run up the scoreboard. Our salary cap is exhausted on big play offensive weaponry. Our defense is undersized, and… let’s face it, doesn’t do very well the longer it’s on the field. I once heard it said that men are as faithful as their options. I don’t take as bleak a view of the male species as that, but I do think when it comes to resisting temptation men have an uphill battle. On one hand we have our better judgment, social condemnation, and our feelings for our current commitment, but on the other hand we have hormones, our evolutionary imperative, our subconscious, and our less evolved lizard brains. I’m not Vegas, but I think I could fix a pretty good line on the outcome of that little scuffle.

On the contrary, women, to supplement the NFL analogy, are the Bears. They are disgustingly good at defense, repelling attack with seeming effortlessness, but their offense can only be described as inconsistent at best. The brutal unfairness of all this of course is that they don’t need offense. They can get what they want through strategic defensive failures. The entire history of men and women actually getting together can be fairly characterized as point shaving on behalf of the female gender.

This brings me to my next point. Somehow, whenever I hear women complain about not getting male attention, it always rings false. Ok, I’ll qualify that. Somehow, whenever I hear attractive women complain about not getting male attention, it always rings false. I understand that women are conditioned from birth not to be too forward, to play hard to get, essentially… to reject a lot of men. But when women (Once again, “attractive women.” Oh what the hell, I’ll back off that, “any and all women”) say that they can’t find a man I have to believe that they have lost touch with the reality of the situation. We are completely powerless to resist them. It’s true.

(I got stuck here because I was determined to make some sort of special teams analogy. It gets a little weird but just bear with it.)

Anyway, to conclude… Just like any battle of great defense vs. great offense, it all comes down to field position. Third date, why not call it the red zone. Last call at the bar, let’s call that third and long, and all those girls that are terrified because they’re not married and their ovaries are committing hari-kari, they’re punting out of their own end zone.

God I love sports metaphors.