Murderball Nickelback

So the electrician working on my wiring has a Nickelback cell phone ring. It just went off. “LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRALF!!!! EVERY TIME I DO IT MAKES ME LARF!!!” I think that’s pretty special. It’s so nice of Clearchannel to give those poor retarded boys all that radio play. That lead singer guy might look like Jesus on methamphetamines, but the way he overcame that speech impediment to become a platinum selling artist is still pretty inspiring… or alternatively… a sign of the apocalypse.

Speaking of inspiring stories, everyone should go out and rent “Murderball.” It’s a documentary about the U.S. Paralympic rugby team. Basically it’s quadriplegics ramming each other with wheelchairs that are modified to look like something Mel Gibson would drive in “Road Warrior”. If you are feeling down on yourself or unlucky, then that movie is a kick in the ass. Seeing guys who have limited access to their extremities who are that passionate about what they are doing and who are enjoying their lives is a humbling thing. On the other hand, if you are feeling awkward, or like you haven’t been doing that well with the ladies, that movie is a kick square in the testicles. Half of the quadriplegics on the squad are dating really attractive girls. Coming to that particular realization while watching the documentary by myself on a Friday night wasn’t exactly a morale boost.

Work and Relationships

Last night I had an interesting conversation. I was talking to a friend about some of the more inappropriate things we had heard about law clerks doing. (always fodder for an interesting conversation. It’s astonishing what young, intelligent, highly boozed professionals are capable of.) Anyway, I offered up a story I heard about a summer associate who was sleeping with one of her supervising attorneys. This led to a whole dialogue about work and dating…

At some point in one’s life, I think it is natural to be attracted to a coworker. If nothing else, the sheer amount of time spent doing your job is going to weigh in favor of it. Especially people who work long hours (i.e. lawyers, doctors, brokers, etc.), and who spend the short hours of the day they do have off sleeping, boozing and having myocardial infarctions. This is of course a dangerous game. Gone are the days when businessmen could have blatant affairs with their secretaries and not face censure. I think in the 50’s that sort of thing was a right of passage, something to talk about in the executive washroom. (Here I always imagine some sort of walnut paneled room full of old white guys who smell like scotch.) Back then men wore hats, aftershave, and their assistant’s lipstick on their collars. Hilarious.

Now though, the specter of harassment and propriety are always present. I honestly don’t know how effective that sort of thing is. People are pretty obvious about going after what they want anyway, they are just more likely to get burned for it post factum. I think the only effective policy is discriminate against attractive people during the hiring process. Maybe somehow try to limit the amount of hormones running through the business.

In any case, I have come to the following conclusion. The old saying goes, “don’t shit where you eat.” But what if you eat for twelve hours a day? Where are you supposed to shit? That’s right people… In your pants.

Bar-Bri and Carrot Top

We’ve started Bar-Bri. It’s a pretty ridiculous institution. It pretty much teaches you all of law school in a 1 month intensive program. However, they teach the material like they are teaching auto diesel repair, no analysis, no background, no depth. Just, if they ask this, do this. If they say this, say that. Anyway, they pile a couple of hundred of us in a room where you may or may not be lectured by a giant screen playing a prerecorded lecture. That’s value for your 2000 dollars, those people must print money.

Luckily, today we were lectured by a real live human. Quite a character, I couldn’t pay attention all morning because of his bizarre voice. It was familiar, but just out of reach. During hour two I figured it out. Holy shit, he sounds just like the short guy from “The Princess Bride.” After that I was distracted by constantly thinking, “You fool! I switched glasses when your back was turned! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...” Then I would imagine him falling over dead. Pleasant classroom fantasy.

There are also a lot of characters among my classmates, and by characters I mean douchbags. The guy who sits next to me fancies himself a comedian. Another student kept dropping her pen, so this guy comes to class the next day with a giant novelty pen. “Ha Ha, I brought her a huge pen. Maybe she won’t drop this one because it’s so big. Hey, look at how big the pen is. I bet that she can’t drop this one. Ha ha. I brought her a big pen. It’s way too big to drop. Ha ha ha ha ha.” Then the next person would walk by, “Hey, look at this huge pen.” Etc… ad nauseam. That’s right… prop comedy. This guy’s go to move was prop comedy. He’s the Carrot Top of Bar-Bri. Awesome. Which means that he went home and got a huge pen that he already had, or worse yet, went out, found, and spent money on a giant pen that he could bring to class for the sole purpose of making that torture instrument of a joke. What a son of a bitch.