Stinky Cologne

Long absence. It’s hard to come home from a day sitting in front of a computer and sit in front of a computer. But in the words of Jack London, “Don't loaf and invite inspiration; light out after it with a club.” And with those words of inspiration from the writer of White Fang, who was a dirty socialist by the way, and a little prodding by a faithful reader, I’ve decided to use my own recent life experience as comedic fodder for my own brand of short story. I give you…

Misadventures in Dating

1. For my first anecdote, I thought that something representative of my recent life would be appropriate. Here goes.

So after beginning work I thought it would be a good idea if I attempted to coerce my co-workers into introducing me to women. This has proven to be wildly unsuccessful. My co-workers, along with the remainder of the people that I know in Birmingham, are all either married or in long-term committed relationships. It should have occurred to me early on that all of the people that they know… would be either married or in long-term committed relationships. Needless to say, this has not exactly proved to be a fruitful source of dating opportunities. So anyway, I was surprised recently when one of my friends at work, that I have tricked into thinking I’m a decent human being, offered to introduce me into her new single friend. Not being the type to go on a blind date, I ended up meeting her friend at one of the innumerable fundraisers that one attends as a young professional. Consider my surprise when the young lady was not only very cute but could even form sentences.

I decided to ask her out for a drink. (Wait for it.)

I called; we made plans; she cancelled at the last minute. Weak sauce. (This sucks, but is not the punch line. We’re still waiting.)

We ended up rescheduling the next week or so, for quick bite to eat and drinks. (Here it comes.)

I drove to pick her up, and once we were on the way to the restaurant… (Feel that suspense build. Eat your heart out Hitchcock.)

… she tells me quite calmly. “Just so I don’t lead you on or anything. I have a boyfriend.”

I think further commentary is probably unnecessary at this point, dead horse and all that.


2. For my second trick, I will attempt to mathematically prove that there are only 16.2 datable women in Birmingham. Perhaps a little back story is in order.

I was out a bar not long ago, and I ended up meeting a girl through a friend of mine, very attractive, seemed very fun. For purposes of this story, and because it makes me sound much cooler, lets call her “Adriana Lima.” (As long as we’re protecting the innocent we might as well pretend the innocent are supermodels.) We talked for a while, and I ended up asking her for her number. She even gave it to me. RESULT! After a few days I gave her a call to ask her out. We both had busy weeks so we made plans to get together for a drink when I got back from a trip out of town. SUCCESS! The next day I came home from work and started to make myself some dinner. My roommate stood ironing a pair of pants in the room adjoining the kitchen.

Me: “Those are some flat pants you have there. What’s the occasion?”

Roomie: “Gotta date tonight.” (It helps if you imagine his part in the voice of Foghorn Leghorn: “Pay attention, boy! I'm cuttin' but you're not bleedin’!” or "That boy's bout' as sharp as a bowling ball.")

I puttered around making dinner for a while.

Me: “So tell me about the lucky lady.”

Roomie: “’er name is Adriana Lima.”

Me: “Soooooooo… funny story”

In true sit-com style, we had both, without any overlap, met and asked out the same girl within the span of about two weeks.

MATH TIME!!!

The 2007 Census estimate puts the Birmingham-Hoover-Cullman combined statistical area at 1,188,764. (Wikipedia)

Of which 51% are women, which give us 594,382.

Of which approximately 18% are between the ages of 20 and 30, and we arrive at 106,988.

Of which 1/2 are married, now we got: 53,494

Of which 1/3 are obese: 35,306

Of which 6 percent are gay, 10 percent disabled, 75 percent didn’t go to college, and .01 percent are disabled lesbians with GEDs. This gives us 7,392(ish).

From here we have to assume that I will never meet a significant percentage of these women and that some significant fraction will be too good for me. Let’s divide by π, (2352.195) and then by the atomic weight of Promethium (16.2).

Quod Erat Demonstrandum; there are 16.2 datable females in Birmingham. I win.